Phases
by Alan Slingby
Summary: When a person with a terminal illness is told they are going to die- they go through five phases leading to their death. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Friends and loved ones may go through similar phases.
1. News

_People who die suddenly do not have the time to prepare for death. However, people who die from a terminal illness often have lots of time to think about death and to prepare for it. Doctors have identified five stages that most terminally ill patients go through when facing death. Understanding these stages can be valuable if one ever needs to help a dying friend or relative._

_Not all terminally ill people go through these stages in the same order. Some may skip a stage, revert to an earlier stage, or get stuck in one stage. People experience dying with the same individuality that they experience living._

_1-Denial_

_2-Anger_

_3-Bargaining_

_4-Depression_

_5-Acceptance_

* * *

><p>"There hasn't been a case like this in over a century. I'm quite suprised it's surfaced again in such a young reaper."<p>

"Are you sure it's the Thorns of Death?"

"Look here William~ Don't you see the black lines on his wrists? Soon they'll creep up to his heart and snuff out his very life! We're very lucky that Mr. Eric was able to bring him here fast enough, he may not have been able to get through the first attack by himself."

"Yes, indeed. But Undertaker, when should he be waking?"

"A few minutes. He's been out for several hours now. But give him a few days to recover before putting him back to work. You are to give him time to rest when these attacks happen, do you understand William?"

"I understand Sir. I won't push him too far to where another attack may happen."

"Good boy~ Now, would you be the one to tell him what he has caught once he's up?"

"I'm afraid I may make it too blunt. Perhaps you should Undertaker. You do deal with the death and dying more than myself."

"Alright, oooh~ It seems he's coming around! Good morning to you Mr. Alan!"

~Alan~

Alan didn't know where he was or who was with him. Hell, he couldn't even remember where he was last. The last thing he could recall was he was out with Eric collecting souls, then he went to get the last one by himself, and then... that's where it all went blank. He could just vaugly remember the pain he felt at every nerve in his body, mainly his chest. He felt like he was underwater, moving slowly and unable to breath right. That shouldn't have been a problem for reapers! They didn't _have_ to breath like humans did. Only now, he was just now coming back to his sences as his eyes slowly opened.

The world around him was blurry and dark, minus a flicker of light from the corner of his eye. There were two figures standing in front of him, both distored and he couldn't recognize who they were.

"Good morning to you Mr. Alan!"

That voice, however, Alan was able to recall. If it truely was who thought it was... then... was he dying? Already dead? He didn't know what to think about the situation he was in. He would have to make it simple and to act as though he was alright. He didn't need to worry anyone here.

"...he-hello Undertaker..." was that really his voice? It sounded so... dry and weak.

"Hnmmmm... perhaps a bit of water would help that throat of yours." a blur of silver and black was all Alan could make out as Undertaker went across the room to where the bathroom was.

"Here Mr. Humphries, I believe this should help." the other unknown figure slipped Alan's frameless glasses on his face. The brunette sighed in content as the world around him became at least five times more clearer, the cold metal on the sides of his face gave him a sence of comfort.

"Thank-thank you Sir..." he breathed, pulling himself up into a sitting position. The pillow his head was resting on was suddenly propped against the headboard, strong, gloved hands helped him to sit up all the way.

"How are you feeling Mr. Humphries?" William asked, taking his clipboard from the nightstand and pulling a pen out from his pocket.

"Oh...um... tired... my chest hurts a bit... it's tolerable though," Alan answered, squirming a bit uncomfortably in bed. Why was William asking him this? Did something happen to him?

For a while, the only sound in the room was William scribbling notes on paper and the water in the bathroom, soon followed by Undertaker's boots coming across the tiled floor.

"Here you are~ This should help a great deal!" the retired shinigami placed the cup of water in Alan's hand and the pitcher on the nightstand next to the flickering candle.

"...thank you..." he drank quickly, yet savoring how his throat didn't feel as parched anymore.

"If you are feeling better now Mr. Humphries..." William clicked his pen and placed it back inside his blazer. "...Undertaker has some... news for you..."

"News? Oh! You mean what happened to me?" he asked, sitting a bit straiter against the pillow.

"Presisouly what happened to you and also what _is_ going to happen to you."

"...wait... what is going to happen?" there was a hint of fear in his voice. Was he just so injuried that there would be some long term affects? The way William sounded though... it didn't calm his nerves at all. He felt anxious and afraid. He hated not knowing what was going on. He hated being left in the dark.

"Alan... take a look at your wrist." Undertaker instructed, taking a seat on the bed.

"My... wrist?" he asked, giving the silver haired man a quizacle look.

"Just do it."

He nodded and flipped over his hand so he could see the back of his wrist. A sharp gasp passed through his lips when he saw the black line there. "What- what is that? !" he asked alarmed, looking to his other wrist to see the same thing.

"The begining to the Thorns. That's what it is."

"The-the Thorns?"

"Shi no Toge, or the Thorns of Death. A rare disease that only shinigami can have." William explained breifly. "I haven't seen this in over a century, acctually... this is the first time I've seen this in person."

"Thorns of-of Death?" he felt his throat close up, he was going to start crying unless he pulled himself together and tossed emotions aside as a proper shinigami should.

"Allow me to explain further" Undertaker piped in before clearing his throat. "The Thorns are contracted when a soul destined to die becomes veangeful, fighting against the shinigami that'd reaper it, manifesting itself in the form of the thorns. The thorns work their way through your body, starting at the wrists and eventually leading to the heart, which will cause a fatal attack. There is no known cure for it." as he explained, one long fingernail traced a red line from Alan's wrist, up his arm, and to his chest where his heart laid. He placed an open hand in front of his chest before closing it into a tight fist. "They'll snuff the life out of you. We won't know how long it'll take or when the attacks will happen. But except the unexpected my little lamb. Keep in mind- you are going to die."

~Eric~

Outside the Infirmary door, Eric Slingby was pressing his ear to the door, listening for every word that passed Undertaker's mouth. His friend... his best friend was going to die? And to top it all off... there was no way to cure it? No way to stop this from happening? Eric shook his head, this couldn't be happening to his Alan. He will find a cure, he had to. There had to be someway to save him. He didn't care what it was, he'll find something even if it meant putting his very life on the line.

* * *

><p><em>When people know a loved one is dying, they may go through the same stages of accepting death of the dying person. They may deny that death is imminent. They may become angry, sometimes at the patient, especially of they have been dependent on the dying person. They may spend a great deal of time praying and bargaining for the person to recover. They may get depressed. And, ultimately, they may come to accept death and the need to survive in spite of it.<em>


	2. Denial

_When people learn that they are going to die, their reaction is often to feel shock and denial. Denial acts as a buffer that gives people a chance to think about the news. People may think, "It can't be true, not me." Or they may prefer to believe that a cure will be found for their disease or that they will be the exception to the rule. At this point, it is helpful for patients to get a second option from a reputable physician in order to verify their condition. If you have a friend or relative in the denial stage, the best response is just to listen. Even if people who are dying talk about getting well soon, it is better not to contradict them. That could force them to accept their death before they are ready._

* * *

><p>~Alan~<p>

"I don't want any special treatment Mr. Spears! Just give me the souls I need to collect today!" Alan didn't want to yell, especially at his boss, but he was fine! Sure he had a small cold right now but he was fine to go out to collect souls. But no! William kept bringing up the Thorns of Death and that he didn't want to be the cause of another attack to happen. Alan thought he was fine, it had to go away sooner or later. If it was supposed to weaken his body then he should go out of often as he could to strenghen himself up. To him, the Thorns weren't anything. They would go away in a few months and everything would be normal again.

"Mr. Humphries, I was given specific instructions to let you rest after you have an attack. You had one yesterday and it's snowing outside. Your body will be put under pressure and-"

"Please Mr. Spears! I'm fine! I'll just wear a heavier jacket and a scarf!" Alan still didn't seem to grasp the fact how serious his condition was, he thought of it as a longer term cough/cold. As long as he kept taking his medication, the attacks he got wouldn't happen as frequently. Why was William so up tight about him going out when it was snowing? He was a shinigami and they were understaffed. How could William just say for Alan to basically take a day off?

William's eyebrow twitched,a smybol that he was annoyed. "Alright, alright Mr. Humphries. Go out and collect the souls, but please let Mr. Slingby accompany you." he took the file that was on the top of a pile and handed it to the sickly reaper. "There are only three souls to be collected, all in the same area but at different times. I would assume that this collection would be done in the next two hours."

"Thank you Sir," Alan bowed his head slightly and took the file in hand. "I'll have the paperwork done by tonight, good day Sir."

"Good day Mr. Humphries." William went back to writing out his own reports of the souls he collected far earlier that morning as Alan left the office to search for his blonde friend.

He still didn't understand why William wanted him to take Eric with him. Even if he did suffer from an attack, he was able to get home easily. Yes it would take an extra hour if not longer, but he still got home without any help.

Sighing, he leaned against the wall once far enough away from William's office. He pulled back the sleeve of his shirt to see the thin black line there. He didn't want to beleive that it told him and the rest of the world that he was infected with an uncurable disease, but in the very back of his head, a voice ket screaming that he was going to die a painful and lonely death. He thought of the stars, how some of them were already dead and yet their light still shined. Stars died alone and painfully (if they could feel that is).

Alan shook his head as a way to get the thoughts out of his head. He wouldn't believe that he was on the verge of death, not until the attacks got worse or he was dead. He was a _shinigami._ A God of Death and he was dying?

He laughed to himself, thinking it funny how such a thing could exist. Clutching the file to his side, he started his way back to his and Eric's flat. He did promise William that he would wear a heavier jacket and scarf. Perhaps Eric was there too.

~Eric~

Eric flipped through the pages of a book at rapid pace. There had to be something on it! Anything! Those pills Alan was taking did nothing for his health! At least his physical health. All they did was give him comfort that the attacks would be happening less and less often. All they did was mess with his head.

And he hated that.

He was in the back of the library. One where the shinigami had their own Citamatic Records, textbooks about the way reapers function, both work wise and their body, and general novels for reading for fun. Eric had been looking for hours, days, weeks on something- anything that mentioned the Thorns of Death. He looked through every book on shinigami health, the way their body functioned, and anything that seemed medical.

"Damnit!" he slammed the book shut, coming up with nothing yet again. How many books had he looked through now? 10? 100? He ran a gloved hand through the blonde locks on his head. He picked up the book with a heavy sigh and went to put it back on the shelf. His eyes skimmed over the books in the area, all he already seen and read before. Another shelf of the library searched through. There was only one shelf left that Eric hadn't looked through yet and that was his next destination.

He went to the very back of the library where more brittle, older books were kept. If there was nothing there... he didn't know what to do. He skimmed through the faded titles etched on the spines of the books, only a few he was able to make out. He didn't have the time right now to look through all of them right now. His shift would start in a few minutes. He might as well leave now and get to work, he'd check back here later to see if any of these books held any information that could help him.

He was about to turn heel when a rather old looking book on a podiem caught his eye. It was thick, the letters on the cover were practically faded to nothing. William had said that there hasn't been a case like Alan's in over a century. Why hadn't he looked through these older books sooner? With a small smile crossing his lips, he quickly went over to the old tome.

His hand whiped off the layer of dust on the cover, it looks like this book hadn't been touched in _decades._ Carefully, he opened it up and started skimming through the pages. This book seemed to have everything in it! His heart raced in excitment as the letters grew closer to T.

Then... he found it. On top of the page in fancy cursive it was written: Thorns of Death.

The first things were the same things that Undertaker had told Alan the night the he first suffered from an attack. But then there was something that the retired reaper did _not_ mention at all.

_Although there is no known cure for this disease, there is a legand that if one were to collect one thousand, innocent souls, the Thorns will leave the current host and take form into the one who had collected the souls. The Thorns never go away, they will always be in a body until a victem is claimed by them._

Eric reread, and reread the last sentaces on the page. One thousand souls? That was a lot to ask for, and not knowing how long Alan had made it more of a challange. No, if this was the only way to cure him, Eric would do it. He didn't care if he had to be burdened by the Thorns after, as long as Alan was alright and alive.

"Eric? What are you doing in here?"

Eric's head snapped as he turned to face the mentioned shinigami. "Alan... is something wrong?"

"No I'm fine... Mr. Spears said for you to come with me today." Alan explained, showing Eric his 'To Die' book. "Are _you_ okay though Eric? You seem a bit... frazzled."

"Me? I'm fine Alan. I was just looking at some books is all." he turned around to face his friend completely, one hand behind his back so he could close the book. "Let's go out shall we?" he put on a fake smile and went next to the brunette reaper.

"Well um... okay. Just tell me if something's bothering you though... I don't want you lying to me..."

"I know Al, I won't lie to you- ever. But you can't lie to me either okay? So if I ask if you're feeling well, you tell me strait out if you aren't."

"But-but I am fine Eric!"

"You were coughing all morning and you had an attack yesterday."

"So? I'm fine now and that's all that matters! Don't you start saying anything about the Thorns! I'm fine Eric! I really am!" face flushing with anger, Alan stormed out of the library.

"Alan wait! I'm supposed to go with you!" Eric called, quickly going after him. "Alan!"

But he was already gone and out of Eric's sight.


	3. Anger

_When people realize they are really going to die, they are likely to think, "Why me?" and become angry. People may feel as if they are being treated unfairly. They may see someone who is mean and cruel but in perfect health and think, "Why should I have to die while this other person goes on enjoying life?" In this situation, anger if often directed at medical staff, family, or friends. It is important to let them know they have a right to be angry. If the person gets angry at you, try to accept it without feeling hurt. Recognize that this is simply a stage that will pass. Providing an outlet for the anger can be helpful._

* * *

><p>~Alan~<p>

It was a Friday night.

Alan knew he shouldn't have accepted Ronald's invatation, but... Eric glady accepted the offer. He didn't want to be alone so he decided to go with Eric and Ronald to the pub. He hated drinking. Not only because he didn't like the taste of achocol but it was just... so unhealthy! Of course, he didn't say anything to Eric. There was no reason to put a damper on his evening. He sat inbetween the two blondes, sipping on water as he listened to the conversations around him.

"C'mon Alan senpai! Have one drink would you? You look like you're having no fun!" Ronald smiled to the smaller reaper.

"Sorry Ronald, but someone has to get the both of you home in one shape right?" Alan laughed softly.

"Ah c'mon! That's no fun senpai!" he took another swig at his beer, finishing whatever was left in the mug. "I took you out to have a good time didn't I?"

"Well... I suppose so but-"

"Exactly! One drink and that's all I'll ask from you tonight~" he grinned widely and slid a shot of whiskey to the brunette. "Here ya go senpai!"

"Ronald please. I don't drink. Do you have any idea what achocol does to your body?" Alan asked a bit harshly.

"Why should it matter? We're shinigami!" another drink was passed to the party loving reaper.

"Really Alan, you should learn to live a little. It's not like we're drinking every moment of the day. Ronald's got a point, we're shinigami. We can't die easily like when we were human." Eric brought up with a smirk, toasting his own drink to Ronald's.

"Maybe you two can't die but I can!" Alan shouted, standing up from the barstool. The two reapers flinched slightly at Alan's sudden outburst.

"Hey! Calm down Alan! We didn't mean to make you upset!" Eric said frantically, standing up as well.

"I don't care! The both of you have perfectly fine health and you're throwing it all away when you drink like this! Also when you both smoke! You're killing yourselves even if you are Gods!" he glared directly into Eric's eyes. What just came over him? He never got angry at Eric like this before. But now... he just wanted to hit the other man sencelessly!

"Alan! Calm down! Look- I'll stay to finish my drink. You can go home and-!"

"You still don't understand!" a hand went shooting out at Eric. The bar went silent after the sound of glass shattering to the floor made it's way to everyone's ears. Beer from the mug splashed at Eric and Alan's feet, soaking the bottom of their pants.

Alan's hand froze after he lashed it at Eric's drink, his whole body started shaking as he started to pant. His cheeks were red and he was still glaring at the taller reaper. "Why Eric? ! Why do you do this to me? ! You're taunting me!"

"Alan please! I'm not trying to make you upset!" Eric pleaded, hands reaching out to take Alan by the shoulders. However, the brunette shrugged Eric's hands off and he took several steps away from him.

"Just stop it! Stay here and get yourself wasted! Get hit by a carridge or a motorcar on your way home for all I care!" he shouted before turning around and storming out of the bar. Everything was silent for several minutes before everyone started chatting once again.

~Eric~

The workplace was sometimes like a high school.

There were the students who did all their work on time and were perfectly behaved. There were the students who slacked off and got nothing done.

Then, there were the students who tried to get everything done but couldn't no matter how hard they worked.

There were rumors too, gossip. It usualy being about the freaks and outcasts of the dispatch center.

When Eric overheard pieces of gossip, the topic he would find most of the time was that of Grell and his constant flirting. Sometimes it would be about William and the stick everyone said is up his ass. He would laugh to himself sometimes, but mostly didn't pay attention to the quiet chattering. Grell knew people talked about him. William knew it. Was there really any point of saying it behind their back?

But today, there was one piece of gossip that made Eric snap.

He and Alan were walking down the hall after a long day of work when he just happen to over hear the two reaper's conversation. He told Alan to go on home and how he'll meet up with him in a few minutes. He waited behind a corner and listened in, he wanted to see how far this was going to go. If it went too far for his liking, he's show the two of them why talking about Alan badly with Eric near was _never_ a good idea.

"Hey Robert who's that kid? The one with the brunette hair and bolo tie?"

"Him? Oh! Alan Humphries. Scrawny looking isn't he?" the dark haired reaper chuckled.

"Well yes. But why's that? William- san won't tell me anything and said that it's classified information. Is something wrong with the kid?"

"Wrong with him? Ha! That doesn't even _begin_ to describe it! The guy is sick as hell and _dying!_ Can you believe that? A dying shinigami?"

"I don't know... I'm pretty new here so I guess there are still things I don't know. I guess I can believe a reaper can die. But... I thought we couldn't get sick?"

"That's just a damn rumor. We can get sick. The thing is just Humphries has this thing called the Thorns. Saw him have an attack once even! He was coughing, spluttering, and going on about how he didn't want to be alone! Then Slingby comes running in and tried comforting the guy. Now, I know a few things and something I do know is that the Thorns can't be cured and once an attack starts you can't stop it."

"That... that sounds really horrible. Do you know how long Alan- san has to live?"

"No one knows, that's the worst part. It tears Slingby apart too! I fucking laugh my ass off everytime I remember his face when Alan was suffering from an attack! The ever so manly Slingby, broken down! I swear to Gods I saw him crying even!" he laughed hard, clutching his ribs. "I swear! Why does he even try saving the kid? ! He's a useless weight and we would be better off without him on the team!"

"Robert! You really shouldn't say things like that!"

"Who cares James? ! I'll say it as many times as I want! Alan Humphries is a weak reaper! Hell- I won't even call him a reaper! I don't care if he has glasses and is an Honor Student! He brings everyone down and is dead weight!"

"I want you to say that _one_ more time."

"Sure-sure thing Slingby! Like I said- AH! SLINGBY!"

Eric was glaring daggers at the dark haired reaper, both his hands in tight fists at his sides. "Did I stutter? I said- _I want you to say that one more time._" there was a dangerous hiss to his voice. James backed away from the blonde reaper. He knew Slingby was not a guy you wanted to mess with and he did _not_ want to come in between him and Robert.

"I-I didn't say anything! I swear I didn't! Did I James? ! I said nothing right? !" Robert stuttered, putting his hands up in front of his face.

James only looked sadly at Robert before looking down at the carpeted floor.

"Oh I'm sure you said something. Let me think..." Eric rubbed his chin and looked up for a second before grinning madly. "Ah yes, something about Alan Humphries being a dead weight and being a weak reaper. Am I right?"

"N-no! I didn't say anything like that!" he backed up and against the wall when he saw Eric take a step closer to him.

"Oh but I'm sure that you did Robert. I'm very sure that you did. So let me ask you, do you suffer from a disease that you have no control over?"

"W-well no! Of course I don't!"

"Do you have to be afraid of loosing your life to something you can't fight?"

"No! Stop asking me these questions Slingby! Get the fuck away from me!"

"I got one last question for you though. Would you like to know how it feels to have one of those attacks?"

"**NO! DON'T YOU TOUCH ME YOU DAMN FREAK!**"

"I'll take that as a yes," the mad grin still plastered on his face, Eric raised his right fist and slammed it squarly into Robert's chest. The action repeated with the other hand, then went back to the right. Every punch Eric sent to Robert, he used his full force and strengh. He knew that even after a hundred punches, he would never understand the pain Alan felt when he suffered from an attack.

"There, so how you feeling?" Eric asked polietly, returning his fists and stuffing them into his pockets.

"Augh..hnmmph...ngghh..."

"I'm sorry, couldn't understand you." he laughed, kicking Robert in the chest for good measure. "Whatever pain you feel now, times that by ten. Then you can only _start_ to understand how Alan feels during those attacks. Then take away everyone you ever cared about, add a fever, and lastly... get the feeling that your heart and lungs are being teared apart- piece by little peice. Only then... you're only _begining_ to understand how he feels."

Robert was curled up on the floor. There was a large dent in his chest, several broken ribs, blood coming from the corner of his lip, and his entire body shaking in pain.

"If I ever, _**EVER**, _here you talking about Alan that way again- consider this a minor punishment." Eric growled before heading down the hall so he could meet up with Alan, leaving a stunned James and a broken Robert behind.

* * *

><p>AN: This was my favorite chapter to write! Hope you like it! Read and review please! I want to know what you're thinking~


	4. Bargaining

_Bargaining is a final attempt to avoid the inevitable. People who believe in God may promise to reform their life in exchange for a miraculous recovery._

* * *

><p>~Alan~<p>

Moonlight pooled into the bedroom through the open blinds. Yes, he should be in bed. No, he shouldn't have stayed up this late waiting for Eric.

Alan couldn't help to worry. This wasn't the first time Eric returned home extremely late. He didn't know what to think of Eric's recent behavior. He had been more tired than normal, his work was getting sloppy, and he was always on Alan's case if he was alright or not.

He sat on his bed with a heavy sigh and looked out the window. Above, he could see the stars twinkling and the moon glowing. Stars... light that could shine even after death. That's what he wanted to be. He wanted to be someone's light. Even after he...died...

He had prayed time after time to the higher gods for a cure to the Thorns. It was childish to him, but he was desperate now. Already, several months have passed and his condition seemed to be getter no better. He kept taking the pills, he kept resting when he was told to. He had to get better, he didn't care if he had to cahnge the way he lived. He was afraid to die. He was a shinigami, someone who was able to cheat on Death. Would he suffer in Hell for that? He hoped that it wouldn't turn out that way.

Pushing himself off the bed, Alan closed the blinds, letting darkness bathe the room. He would just wait in the living room for Eric to return home. Maybe he just had a lot of work tonight. He smiled slightly, maybe making him something sweet would be a good idea.

Only now... he prayed that he wouldn't burn the kitchen down by accident.

~Eric~

42 souls down. Only 958 to go.

Eric looked down at the corpse of his latest victem. A young woman, age 19, Russian backround, no further notes. He didn't even know the girl's name. He noticed how she was huddling in the corner of a back alley, clothes in rags, and he was able to hear her stomach growel. Eric felt bad for the woman, so without questioning his action, he sliced out and collected her soul.

He rubbed his eyes and looked up at the moon. He needed to go back home to sleep soon, already it was far past the time he would usualy go to bed at. Alan would be wondering where he's been and then Eric would have to come up with something. No more souls tonight, if he overdid it then people would grow suspious. But if he didn't hurry... he could loose Alan. Everything contradicted itself.

He took off his bloody gloves and tossed them away in a nearby trashcan, they were bloody and Eric didn't have time to clean them anytime soon.

Quickly and quietly, Eric made his way back to the shinigami realm in the shadows of London. He would see humans out late at this hour, poor souls that suffered, some that deserved to die- no... he had to collect one thousand _innocent_ souls.

He didn't know if he could do it. Alan was his best friend, he promised him and himself that he would be saved. Eric would pray everytime he went out that he could find a few souls to collect and that Alan would be alive when he got home. His heart would ache in pain when he thought of Alan, dead on his bed, or on the floor, or anywhere. It's one thing to die, but it's another to die alone.

Eric hated risking that fact. If Alan was to die, then he wanted to be with him when it happened. He wanted to be there when his light went out.

"We pray for our sorrows to end... and hope that our hearts will blend. Now I will step forward to realize this wish."


	5. Depression

_After passing through the first three stages, dying people often become depressed. Sometimes dying people have worries that it might he helpful them to discuss- a friend or realive who dying may ask you to adopt a pet or to visit periodically with his or her children or spouse. Sometimes dying people are depressed because they feel they are losing everything, especially their friends and loved ones. What may be most helpful is just to be with them, often silently._

* * *

><p>~Alan~<p>

_Pitter patter pitter patter_

Alone.

He was alone in his office.

Darkness.

He was trapped in it.

He was alone in the darkness and he was trapped in it.

There were no arms circling him, no words whispering to him, there was no warmth, no kindness.

The Thorns never gave him comfort, only pain and suffering. It wasn't just Alan who suffered, he knew he was dragging Eric into the darkness. He was dragging Eric into the lonliness. No... he _already_ dragged Eric into the dark. He didn't want to be alone so he dragged him with him everytime an attack struck. Only now... there was no one there. He wasn't there to help him get through the attack.

Tears streamed down his pale cheeks, landing on his desk with a silent pitter patter. It was only just starting. His lungs were failing on him and his throat seemed to close up, making it hard to breath and impossible to speak. He wanted to call out, he wanted to get help. But at the same time, he wanted to be quiet, he didn't want any help.

He started coughing, grabbing onto his chest as if it would help soothe the pain. Alan fell from his chair and landed on the carpet behind his desk, wheezing, reaching out to the door, reaching out to something. He needed someone there. The attacks only seemed to be much worse when he suffered one alone.

Every nerve in his body ached to a point where he couldn't move without letting out a small yelp. Even with his glasses, everything around him was hazy, his eyes unable to focus on anything. He had to focus though, he had to calm his breathing- more importantly... breath to begin with.

His mind didn't seem to think rationally though. Alan simply acted on instinct and what his body was telling him. He looked up at his desk, there were pain killer up there and he had to get to them. Ripping a hand from his chest, he reached up to the pill container. It was too far, it kept moving from one point at his desk to another. Sometimes he was able to see it, sometimes he couldn't.

But then, the pain stopped. Alan was able to see, breath, and move. He had to act fast though, the bliss would only last for a few seconds. Panting and still clutching one hand to his chest, he got onto his knees and took the container, popping open the lid and taking three pills into his hand. However, before he could put them in his mouth, the worst part of the attack occured.

He could _feel_ them moving inside him, up his arm and getting closer to his chest. He felt his muscle tearing, he felt the tissue being shread, and he felt the Thorns move to about his shoulder. Already, they had moved all the way up his arms. Alan knew he wouldn't be able to use his arms now for a few days until the pain was gone completely.

"...it...it hurts...please... someone... somebody! Help me!" Alan whimpered, collasping to the ground once again, the pills from the open container spilling its content all over the floor around him. It was coming back, the darkness was coming back to claim him. He saw it creep from the corner's of his eyes before everything he saw was the darkness.

Pain and numbness. Darkness and the light. That's what he felt for an hour or two before coming to his sences and waking up. He felt cold, usualy he would wake up with Eric holding him, telling him to wake up soon and to be alright. Was he here? He didn't hear him, he didn't feel him, and hell, he couldn't see him even.

Sluggishly, Alan tried to sit up but was held back. He tried again, finding himself still in the same position laying down.

"Alan... stay still... you'll hurt yourself..."

The voice was warm, a bit stiff, but it was warm. Alan wanted to hear it again, he _needed_ to hear it again. "...but...but I..."

"No buts, you're not moving. I'm taking you home now, there's no way you can work the rest of this week."

He felt himself being lifted off the floor, he felt lightheaded and everything was a blurry mess. "...I-I can... walk..."

"Don't even try Alan. You can never walk after you have an attack, besides, your arms are useless right now. Your body didn't respond when I poked the nerves there."

"...Eric-kun?"

"Hnm?"

"...it...hurts..." a felt his throat close once more, only now it wasn't from an attack- he felt like crying. Eric really put him first to everything. He knew how long he was out cold and how long Eric was there with him. He could have finished some work for a change.

"Shhh...shhh... you're going to be okay Al... I promise... I know it hurts right now but I gave you some of the pain killers, they'll kick in a few minutes from now..." Eric said softly, going into the golden elevator. "And before I forget..."

Alan smiled slightly, the cold metal of his glasses sliding on his face. "Thanks... I feel a bit better..."

"Alright, so stop the water works Alan. You need that water in your body, not going down your face."

"...I'm sorry...it's just... I'm a little... sad..."

"Hey, don't apologize Alan. Don't be sad either. It's not your fault that this happens to you, it's not your fault you can't control this."

"Not-not that...just... the fact that I'm...being a burden to you... that you're... being brought down by someone like me... someone who's... going to die..."

"You aren't bringing me down, not in the slightest. Now go to sleep, I'm going to put you strait to bed for some proper rest."

Alan nodded and shut his eyes, slightly cuddling into the expance of Eric's chest.

~Eric~

Eric woke up, panting and in a cold sweat. His eyes darted around his bedroom before he got off from the bed and pulled on his glasses. He didn't care about the late hour or the lack of sleep he's been getting, he couldn't go back to sleep after a nightmare like that- at least not until he checked up on Alan.

Yawning, Eric went across the hall and partially opened the door to Alan's bedroom. The dim light from the hallway poured into a single stream into the bedroom, falling onto Alan's sleeping form. Eric watched as Alan's chest rose and fell as he inhaled and exhaled, it was a bit slower than normal but at least he was breathing. Giving a sigh of relief, he returned to his own bedroom after closing the door.

He laid back on his bed and placed his glasses on the nightstand carefully. What was he going to do now? Alan couldn't be on his own this week since the Thorns were numbing his arms. He couldn't go out and collect the souls for his job or for his own need. He didn't mind staying home to take care of Alan, but it was taking away presious time. If the Thorns were at his shoulders... it wasn't a very long jounrey to his heart. Eric gulped, he better hurry up the soul collecting. He had to go to new places, he had to go outside of London, outside of Enland- hell outside of Europe if he could!

Then he felt them, he felt water going down his own cheeks. He was afraid of loosing Alan. He was afraid that he couldn't save him. More than anything, he was afraid of Alan finding out what he was doing. If he did, the trust the two shared would be gone. Even if he saved Alan's life, how would he know if Alan would even trust him after this was over?

It was too much to rattle his brain over, he just needed some much wanted sleep. He threw the covers over himself and closed his eyes, trying to get some rest.

The nightmares, however, returned to his mind. There was Alan's corpse, laying peacefully in a coffin decerated with erica flowers. Eric stood in the back of the church, too scared to look at the body, but his dream made him walk forward. It made him look at Alan's body, the Thorns still there and grasping onto his fragile form.

"Wake up Eric... you know Alan's alright... just wake up..." he told himself but the filled coffin still sat in front of him.

"Mr. Slingby- you failed as a friend, as a lover. You let him die."

"No... I didn't... I tried-"

"You _tried_, but you did not do. Alan senpai's dead and it's your fault. You should be dead too."

"I didn't want him to be dead! I wasn't fast enough to-"

"Huff! Making exuses to hide that guilt of yours~? You know if you got the souls then Alan would be here with us~ What kind of a man let's his lady fall to her death? ! Alan died all alone while you were running around London! You don't care do you! ?"

"I do care about Alan! Stop saying these things!"

"Well Mr. Slingby, I do congradulate you though, the thousand souls were collected but just a bit too late. Now, it is your turn to feel the pain that Mr. Humphries felt."

"No! I didn't get the souls! I still had one more!"

"Silly Eric~ That last one _was_ Alan's soul! You got want you wanted! One thousand souls!"

Eric faced away from the three, looking back at Alan. His eyes went as wide as saucer plates when he saw the black lines rise from Alan's skin and headed strait for him. He wanted to run but his legs failed to respond.

"You two were always so close, not even death til us part would work on the two of you~ Well now you know that you'll be joining him in a few years~"

"Please! Stop this! This isn't what I wanted!" he screamed, feeling the Thorns prick at his wrist and entering his body.

"But Eric senpai- you don't always get what you want."

"AUHHH!"

Bolting up right, Eric looked around his bedroom. Another nightmare? He looked to his wrist, both clean with no black lines. He threw off the covers and jumped out of his bed, negletting putting his glasses on. He went into Alan's bedroom and watched the brunette's chest once more. He had to see if he was still breathing. Relieved when he saw that he was, Eric slipped under the covers next to Alan, holding the petite reaper close.

There was no way he could fall back asleep in his own bed after what he saw.


	6. Acceptance

_Accepting your own death is hard and hard to imagine, but most people who have a terminal illness eventually get to a point where they can do so. By this stage, people have usually taken care of all their personal affairs, including wills, funeral arangments, and saying goodbye to special people in their lives._

* * *

><p>~Alan~<p>

"Ericas? Don't you know that they mean lonliness in the flower language? This is the last event in your life Mr. Alan! Surely these aren't the flowers you want to be joining you in your final resting place?"

Alan put a hand up to silence Undertaker before taking another sip at his tea. "I'm sure. I love ericas and I want those to be the ones at my funeral. Eric always said... he imagines the coffin to be decerated in them... he does so much for me... the least I can do is let him see ericas on my coffin."

"If you insisssssst~" he smiled widely and opened the lid to a newly finished coffin. "Now come here, see if it is to your liking." the coffin itself was made out of pine, the inside had purple velvet for Alan's body to rest on, and the outside had an engraving of Alan's death scythe (as it was tradition for shinigami).

"Alright, but from here I can tell it'll suite me just fine," he placed the beaker on top of the coffin he was sitting on and went to his own resting place. Laying himself inside in the position he wished to be burried in with hands crossed over his chest, Alan closed his eyes and smiled. "...perfect... simply perfect Undertaker..."

"I'm glad it's to your liking little lamb. But won't Mr. Eric be upset if he found out you were here all day?" he asked, giving a hand to help Alan out.

"No... he knew... we both knew I would coming in here soon..." he sighed. Slowly, he stripped from his blazer and hung it over a coffin. "They're so close... I can almost feel them everytime my heart beats... I'm scared but... it's going to happen soon... I know it..." soon his vest and dress shirt was placed ontop of his jacket. "See? Right...here..." black lines creeped all the way up Alan's arms, bruises covered his backside in ugly purple, blackish blobs, a worse bruise covered right over his heart and more black lines were inching towards it. "They only hurt a little... they do so that they remind me that their there..."

"My dear, you'll catch a cold that way. Please put your clothes back on," a small frown crossed Undertaker's lips.

"Sorry... but... I don't know... maybe I want to share my fear with someone... I...just don't like being alone I guess," Alan smiled softly as he pulled his shirt over his shoulders with care. "Once upon a broken heart, I was walking alone in the dark, looking for a way to start again. What I wouldn't give for a friend. There was no love in my life, there was no light in my eyes. All the tears that I had cried and cried seemed like they'd never end..." he said under his breath as he redressed his torso.

"I'm glad you liked the coffin, I'll keep in good condition for you Mr. Alan," Undertaker said, closing the lid, trying to seem that he didn't hear Alan's last sentances.

"Thank you Undertaker, for your time," the brunette bowed slightly and put the scarf around his neck. "Good evening."

"Good night little lamb, get home safely."

"I will," Alan left the Undertaker's parlor, singing his song under his breath. The wind from outside drowned out his words so that he was the only one to listen to them.

"Let's go on a trip starting from today, the two of us, piling up our lonely shadows. I was born alone to lean close to you. My friend, that is our fate. We don't need tears anymore."

~Eric~

Waves pounded against the shoreline, the tide just barely coming up to their spot. The sun was on the verge of sinking below the horizen, leaving the sky a canvas painted pink, purple, and orange.

"...its really pretty Eric-kun..." Alan breathed, leaning back further into Eric's bare chest.

"Yeah...it is... really pretty..." Eric answered distantly. Only this morning, Alan was saying how he didn't want to go to the beach with Eric because of the bruises covering his skin. But after some convincing, the beach was where they spent all afternoon. Not once though did Alan take off his shirt or go far in the water. Even when Eric splashed him, Alan simply returned to their spot and started reading. "Happy you went after all?"

"Yes Eric, I'm happy that I finally let you take me away from work to go here..." he laughed, reaching up and kissing Eric's cheek before returning to his spot.

"Really? You looked annoyed all day," he smirked, wrapping his arms a bit more tightly around the fragile reaper.

"Well it was hot and I didn't want anyone seeing my bruises..."

"We're the only ones here now Alan... take that damn shirt off already then," his hands slipped under the cotton fabric, his fingers tickling Alan's sensitive skin.

"Eric-kun! St-stop!" Alan laughed, breaking out in a giggle fit.

"Take it off Al, you'll feel better when you're not all stuffed up." he removed his hands and set them down on the sand.

"Al-alright! No more tickling me though!" he friendly scolded and pulled the helm of his shirt over his head. "There, bare chest like you. Happy?"

"Very happy," Eric smiled and pulled Alan into another tight embrace. "...now... let's watch... the sun's almost all the way down..."

"It'll be dark then Eric... we still have to go home."

"It doesn't matter, there's a reason the streetlight was invented."

"But we're almost a mile away from the nearest streetlight."

"We got the stars and the moon, see? They're already coming out?" Eric pointed up to the sky, the moon was small and barely glowing with one or two stars near it. "It's a full moon tonight Al, there'll be no problems going back to the street."

"...okay...okay..."

Eric didn't like how Alan answered. He sounded upset with what he had to say. Was it about the stars? Shit... it probably was. He forgot has sensitive he got about them. How could he carelessly throw it out like that?

"You know Alan... if we can see the stars now... I think those are the dead ones..."

"What makes you say that? We're so far away that we can't tell which ones are dead or not."

"They're obviously either the closest stars or that their dead. Doesn't a star shine brighter when it dies before fading away? Even then, it takes a long time for a star's light to fade." he said softly, laying his cheek on Alan's head. "Light... it's a funny thing sometimes isn't it? People need it, so they made lightbulbs and other things. But why? They have the sun, the moon, and the stars. Is that not enough? I, for one, only need one light... even if it's going out. I'm going to need the light for as long as I live..."

"...Er-eric-kun..."

"Something the matter?"

"Do you...really need me that bad?"

"Of course I do... you're my light Alan and always will be. Even after you're gone... your light will shine bright enough for me to see and anyone who wants to see that light..." he kissed the chocolate locks, deeply taking in Alan's scent. "Hnmm...I know you were at Undertaker's a week ago by the way... getting yourself fitted... does that mean you... accepted death?"

"...yes... I did... I know I'm going to die and... got my funeral already..."

"You didn't have to do that on your own Alan, I could have helped you."

"I know, I just didn't want any help. It'll be a suprise for you then. And besides... sometimes you got to do things on your own even if you don't want to..." he sighed. "And Eric... you helped me a lot...getting through this...helping me get through this... but I wanted to accept death on my own and I did! I feel... kinda happy actually... I don't feel so scared... I am still, deep down and when the after effects of an attack hit me I'll say I'm afraid and alone... but me, as Alan, I know I'm not alone... I got you Eric..."

"...and you'll always have me," a single tear rode down his cheek, landing on Alan's shoulder. Of course with them sitting near the ocean, Alan might mistaken it for a drip of seawater from a wave that crashed. "...and if you can accept your own death... I guess I'll accept it to..." _but that doesn't mean I'll stop trying to save you._

"You don't have to if you're not ready," Alan reminded, looking up at Eric's face. There was a bit of sadness, a lot of love and happiness, and a hint of concern.

"I am... believe me I'm ready..."

After that, no words were echanged between the two reapers. They sat quietly in each other's arms, watching the sunset. Soon, the sky was black and more stars were easily seen, the moon shining brightly in all its glory. Eric held Alan as long as he could until he felt the brunette fall limp against his chest. He laughed slightly, he figured Alan would go to bed early but not _this_ early. Even then, the blonde held him a while longer, wanting to keep the embrace going until he started feeling sleepy as well.

"I will commit any sin if that allows me to share your pain. When you die I will kiss your icy cheek once. Let's go on a trip, piling up the ericas' loneliness. Yes, the reason I was born alone is so that the two of us could meet. My friend, since that is our fate we don't need tears anymore."


End file.
